Recently I had a dream with my mom. She was telling me, in a very calm way, that it would have been better if I wasn’t part of her kids, but then she said: “Now, if I had to choose to only have one, out of all of you, I would have chosen you”.
For background, she delivered six kids and I am the fourth one. What’s special about me is that I was conceived 4 months after my mom had her 3rd baby. So, she was a mom of a 4-month old baby, a 6-year old, a four-year old and was pregnant with me.
Forever I’ve known that my mom cried a lot while I was growing in her belly, and WHO WOULDN’T? I completely understand it and feel a little bad for her, and thankful too, of course. Mom had a full-time job, 3 kids and pregnant, that’s what I call “Reality hitting you like a brick wall”.
Life and its Lessons.
Life has a great way to keep us on our toes. We count on things to stay as they are, or as we prefer them to be, but that rarely happens. Changes happen all the time. And when life puts us on a road we had never considered before, or one that feels far away, getting there can really shake us and test our inner strength.
If you think back in your life, what experiences changed your life forever?
You could be sitting comfortably at home, drinking coffee, relaxed and then you get a call that changes everything. Or you could totally know what’s going to happen soon, but not really know how to feel about it until you experience it.
What made me share this.
This morning, my 4-year old son started Pre-K. This is something we have been preparing for, talked about it almost daily and gotten very happy about this new page in our lives. He was excited about being in the same school with his cousins, and I’ve been looking forward to having more hours to work.
And still, this new reality hit me hard this morning. I’ve been seeing the wall for weeks, but I could not avoid hitting my face really hard against it as soon as I left him. I worked so hard to hold everything in, I kept focusing on my breathing, but the tears were more powerful. As parents, we expect the milestones, but feeling them is something different. Good thing College is far, far away!
As I write this, my face is still smashed on that wall, but I know I won’t feel like this forever. I’m proud of my baby and I know he’s going to have so much fun.
Here are a few things I’m reminding myself this morning:
-This is exactly the life I wanted - And I’m thankful for the new feelings I’m experiencing. They make me a better friend and leader to others going through the same thing.
-Life will continue to change and shake me every now and then with something I do not expect. I could consider it to be great or disappointing, but I’m hoping to stay life-awake to embrace the lesson and become a better human.
-Feel what you feel. Nothing wrong with being a little sad about something good. Sometimes we get nostalgic for “what was” even when the “now” is freaking exciting too.
-My special "Parent Reminder" for myself: My son is not MINE MINE. He’s part of the world and eventually he’ll be ready to lead his own life without me around all the time. I’m here to support him, guide him and love him with all my heart.
Okay, I’m not crying…
Until next time…